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 Do EX's deserve a second chance?

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05judge
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PostSubject: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 19th 2010, 4:37 pm

Ok, I've found myself in a little bit of a delima. Some of you know I was married, and got a divorce a year ago this month. My Ex wife and I were dating for 6 1/2 years and then were married for less than a year. Always had a great relationship, hardly ever fought, got along really well, etc... Last April she just up and decided she wasn't ready for marriage and didn't want to be up here in Montana, and so on. Nothing major. I work for my Dad so I really didn't have an option of going back to Oklahoma. With that she decided she wanted to move back and get divorced. From all the time we were together, she never lied about anything and I trust that completely. I think the reasons she wanted to leave were mainly due to the sudden changes in our lives (marriage, moving to Montana, her having to transfer to a new school). She only had a year left of school when we moved and after getting up here ended up finding out not all her credits would transfer. I think with everything going on she freaked out and just couldn't handle it and she went into depression and didn't say anything or express her feelings. Looking back, we probably should have waited to move until she was done with school.
Now to the real issue. After a full year of being divorced, I find myself not being over her at all. Throughout the year we both kept in touch occasionally and we have both given our trys at dating. Just lately we started talking a little more frequently and she is telling me now, that she wants to try and work things out. She claims she's made up her mind and would spend the rest of her life proving she knows what she wants. I can definately say, part of me wants to try and work it out. It's hard for me to look back on 7 years and just give it up. I've never really given anyone a second chance in a relationship, mainly because they usually cheat on me or I just don't like them. This case is totally different in all ways, including the fact that we were married. I think there are some things she still needs to sort out, but I also don't plan on just jumping back into the whole thing. I want to start from scratch. Try to go right, where we both went wrong.
What do you all think? I want to hear some honest thoughts.
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shawnss
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 19th 2010, 6:08 pm

well knowing both of you it seemed like you two got along pretty good. from what i know. my wife and i took a little time apart before getting married. that time apart is really when i found out my love for her. that pretty much sealed the deal for us. i was the one who wanted the break. but IMO i feel you should at least maybe give it a try. like you said i wouldnt jump back into marriage right away. id just give it time and see how it pans out.

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Riptide
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 19th 2010, 6:59 pm

+1

Definitely don't jump back into marriage immediately.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 12:01 pm

Relationships never end, not even when one of the people involved dies. Relationships change, that's all. Your relationship with your ex changed when you got married. The instant you were married it morphed into a different relationship--maybe not for you, but obviously for her.

There's no way for you to know the factors behind this change in her, especially not if on your side of the relationship nothing changed when you got married. To you, the marriage was simply a matter of formalizing an already done deal. But for her, the simple act of getting married, put her into an entirely new mindset as far as the relationship was concerned.

The thing is, when relationships change like this, there is no going back. If you again live together, it will be a new and different relationship, this time for both of you. Unfortunately, this new relationship will contain the baggage of a good but no longer possible relationship (the pre-marriage relationship), and the much heavier baggage of a failed relationship (the marriage).

You like each other. You are friends. And on some level you are even family. It's a complex relationship. And it is very, very difficult for you to see the relationship clearly because your view is clouded by the previous versions of the relationship.

From what you say, your ex is back in your life simply because her memory of being with you is better than her attempts to make a life without you. She's back because she couldn't find or make anything better. This makes you a fallback position. It also makes you a position that can once again be abandoned if she sees something that looks better.

Be friends. But don't be married. The relationship is what it is. There's no putting humpty-dumpty back together again.
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05judge
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 3:03 pm

Ronin wrote:
Relationships never end, not even when one of the people involved dies. Relationships change, that's all. Your relationship with your ex changed when you got married. The instant you were married it morphed into a different relationship--maybe not for you, but obviously for her.

There's no way for you to know the factors behind this change in her, especially not if on your side of the relationship nothing changed when you got married. To you, the marriage was simply a matter of formalizing an already done deal. But for her, the simple act of getting married, put her into an entirely new mindset as far as the relationship was concerned.

The thing is, when relationships change like this, there is no going back. If you again live together, it will be a new and different relationship, this time for both of you. Unfortunately, this new relationship will contain the baggage of a good but no longer possible relationship (the pre-marriage relationship), and the much heavier baggage of a failed relationship (the marriage).

You like each other. You are friends. And on some level you are even family. It's a complex relationship. And it is very, very difficult for you to see the relationship clearly because your view is clouded by the previous versions of the relationship.

From what you say, your ex is back in your life simply because her memory of being with you is better than her attempts to make a life without you. She's back because she couldn't find or make anything better. This makes you a fallback position. It also makes you a position that can once again be abandoned if she sees something that looks better.

Be friends. But don't be married. The relationship is what it is. There's no putting humpty-dumpty back together again.

I can agree with some points in your statement, but honestly that's a pretty negative way to look at it all. I certainly wouldn't look at me being a "fallback". It seems more like having a moment of clearity. I guess I am trying to be on her side because I kind of want to try to make it work, but I also know where she has been and what she has been through. This is her first shot at being independant and she has been pretty succesful at doing so. I'm glad that she can go out and make it on her own. At the same time, I think she has learned more about herself, which in turn leads her back to what she really wants. I could certainly live without her, but I feel like I would regret not trying if I did that.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 4:17 pm

I think its impossible for any of us to give you advice on this. No matter how well anyone know's you or her its really between the two of you. If you think you will be happier with her than without I say why not. In my opinion a lot of people make mistakes, change and grow. But in the end the people who love them always change with them and support them no matter what. If she or you did things that will always push you apart that is one thing. But if you can live with what took place while you were apart then I say give it a shot, just don't rush into it. If you dated that long I would be willing to bet you have something special. I can tell you from my point of view there is nothing better in this world than family. If she is who you want as part of your family and you can see being happy together then why wait.

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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 6:09 pm

i think ts4l is right along the it's all up to you guys bit... but if it were me and my wife left me i wouldnt take her back because i feel like if she leaves, where, or more who is she going to...
i aint into sloppy seconds, thirds, or fourths, so i hope you guys work it out, and i truly hope i didnt put thoughts in your head. i hope everything works out for the best. king
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 6:21 pm

yeah i wish the whole best for you Jason. i really hope you work out whatever is best
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05judge
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 20th 2010, 7:56 pm

I guess I am really not concerned with what has happened during the year we have been apart. I just know she didn't leave because of anything other than her immaturity. We dated since she was in high school and that's part of why I think she freaked out. She never really had a chance to do her own thing. I think she needed to prove her independance. She has now and I think she finally has her life semi figured out.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 21st 2010, 2:50 am

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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 9:30 am

The question is are you willing to take the chance that it will happen again? I was with my x for 18 years we had two kids together and she left me three times. I took her back each time hoping things would be different each time and i did it for my kids also. She left me and the kids for the last time this december and i finalized the divorce in february. Some times you have to realize your beating a dead horse and some people will just never be happy with what they have. The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but its because the fence crosses a septic tank. If you love her give her a chance but old wounds area very hard to heal and they will always be in the back of your mind.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 10:24 am

good luck with what ever path u decide bud

im a total burnout on women so i wont bore u with details , jusst be careful dont want to see you get burned a second time , dont let your heart blind u to what your brain is tellin u
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05judge
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 10:35 am

Well I feel like I should at least give it a chance to work. Especially considering our past and all of the changes we went into the past few years. I've already told her that it's not gonna be something where we just jump back into it all. It's gonna be a fresh start to work on problems we did have. I think by doing it this way, she will know she has to prove herself rather than thinking I'm just taking her back. Plus she didn't leave me for anyone else which, to me, makes it a little different. If she had left me for another person, I don't know if I could even consider this.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 3:39 pm

so will she being coming up to billings or are you going there?

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05judge
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 3:47 pm

shawnss wrote:
so will she being coming up to billings or are you going there?

She's moving back up here in August to finish school.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 5:10 pm

i hope everything works out for you jason, soooo are you gonna be out and about tonight? think i got a run from a kid in laurel thinks his ls1 camaro onna 100 shot can work the world...
.... he's gotta nother thing comin'
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05judge
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 5:21 pm

turbotudor wrote:
i hope everything works out for you jason, soooo are you gonna be out and about tonight? think i got a run from a kid in laurel thinks his ls1 camaro onna 100 shot can work the world...
.... he's gotta nother thing comin'

I hadn't planned on coming out. I'm low on cashola and was gonna play hermit this weekend at home.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 5:25 pm

turbotudor wrote:
i hope everything works out for you jason, soooo are you gonna be out and about tonight? think i got a run from a kid in laurel thinks his ls1 camaro onna 100 shot can work the world...
.... he's gotta nother thing comin'

i want to come out and play bumper boats Very Happy thats how i win cheers

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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 6:15 pm

turbotudor wrote:
i hope everything works out for you jason, soooo are you gonna be out and about tonight? think i got a run from a kid in laurel thinks his ls1 camaro onna 100 shot can work the world...
.... he's gotta nother thing comin'

omg really . boy he is in for a hug surprise isnt he
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 6:26 pm

turbotudor wrote:
i hope everything works out for you jason, soooo are you gonna be out and about tonight? think i got a run from a kid in laurel thinks his ls1 camaro onna 100 shot can work the world...
.... he's gotta nother thing comin'
i wanna watch.
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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 23rd 2010, 7:13 pm

In my opinion of the relationship did not end on a bad note, it is worth a second chance. You were happy when you were with her and that goes a long way. I say go for it Jason.

I would be pretty lost without my BIRD. We have been together for about 6 years now and cant imagine a day without her.

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PostSubject: Re: Do EX's deserve a second chance?   April 24th 2010, 10:17 pm

i would give it a second chance follow your heart Jason
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